ILovePhilosophy.com

There once was a little boy that I used to be
grew up too fast, my song; my story
I would sit down and cry a long cry
as I cried myself to sleep
watching my parents fight
insecurity and inadequacy
delivered to my mind
day after day, night after night
as I picked myself up and kept going
on through the long fight
to go from hope lost
pick up a gun, lost thoughts
of putting an end to my life
to the day I knew what it was to get fresh breath
to get my head free of the shit piled up, leading to my death
got a whiff of something greater
started seeing the colours of the world
instead of the palette of black and white and shades of grey
as it all twirled and swirled
around a middle finger I had yet to hold up right
and this is just another tribute to my
my life, my strife, my ongoing fight
to the end of my days, never gonna get a respite
as so much of an infinite 'legion'
can not leave me alone
and this is not me crying
this is not with tears streaming
this is not me dying
this is me living a life forever impounded
forever grounded
to be worse than any of you could imagine
while you suffer bare minimum in comparison
to the Hell that I've lived in every minute
every memory moment
as you all hate on me until the hate turns to love
and I'm supposed to wear it like a glove
and just be a father that I dont feel like being
a spacial anomaly, a monster, a freak and beast
I am the fear in the heart of you
I am the Lord incarnate in the flesh
and I am better than you, better than the rest
failed, fell down, but passed the test
got the fuck back up to give it another go
found myself dogged by social retardism
on an epic spiritual level
and still ongoing as they try to sap and steal every moment of my happiness
that I fought for, struggled to earn
as they think they have the right
to take from those who have already been through far too much
so merry fucking christmas and happy fucking new year
happy holidays to the ungrateful fucks
who thought for a moment that they could
do whatever it is that retards think they could
or is it a should of to a would?
I don't think it matters
it just sprays and splatters
like so much cum on the face of God
from the so-called children that were never his, never mine
yanking their own cocks in childish laughter and glee
thinking themselves wild and free
before the crash of emotions draws them down
as they run and try to escape the weighing of the crown
upon their shoulders and their heads
The full brunt yet to hit and so they fail to admit
that they hurt as much as they think they do
for not yet hurting at all as much as they will
as it all starts spiraling downhill
down towards the Hell they've yet to know
but daring to judge with impotent justice
the burdens of the wise, the angst and violence of those
that were far better than they could ever know
chasing them around with zealous fanatic fervor
through the streets of town and city after town and city
in lands supposed free and brave
as wave after wave
of firestorms descend upon them and burn them up
and still just a stepping stone to the next era
to the pain that they will feel upon a tomorrows wind
past my own death, though I 'see' it perfectly
from insane to insane psychology
see them wound up and wind down
see them struggle to lift the crown
and have it be just another sob story from them
another cry for help from the same man they try to tear to pieces
me and my life, me and my wife
they destroy in one breath and turn to for help in the next
And where is humanity going, where are we going except to the the next page, the next chapter
in this ongoing saga of the depraved meeting the depraved departed
and wondering where the story ends as they're told and told again
'this is just the middle, prestory, precursor, to mankinds greatest adventure
out into the vastnesses of space, past our own generations breeding
this ground of hate spewing and spreading and becoming
our graves, our tombstones rotting
my life better than theirs, so they torment and torture
not even seeing how it's worse, for them being similar to those
that I pointed this out to years ago
and so I go through the paces of a fight already won
on an epic scale... of so many things refusing to learn
again and again the cycles and patterns repeat
in ever-increasing fashion
down to my last breath
a razors-edge wire walked
to the day of my death
as a bullet screams through my head
blood-splatter on the ground and the walls around
telling another prophecy of their own lives and their own futures
in true psychological fashion
of not even needing to be prophetical
just simply reasonable and logical
from advanced logic to advanced emotionality
handed them the rope and watched them strangle themselves
catch themselves in the barbed wire and rose-thorns of life and death itself
all while screaming for help that could never help
failing to understand what they claimed to understand
and bolstered and buoyed by the older generations who thought they were fucked up
but had the rod spared on them too much while growing up
and so spoiled they were, not-depraved or even twisted
as much as true love and truth could actually show peace to be
aching for a war they run from in the next panel
of an on-going comicbook of non-humor
life's divine comedy as once called once upon a time
by some Dante or another
And still there are those surprised that we don't learn
that each generation still grows unable to wrap their heads around the concepts of the growing and the old
as the growing and the old themselves remain unable to wrap their heads completely around the concepts of the bold
the fearless and the combat experienced, they remain cold and hurting while others are warm and humming
like so many biomechanical engines from cold-starts to pumping hearts
all while we're carried forward on the deaths of so many heroes made to be villains
to ease and soothe the spoiled multitude of violent children
who, for all their violence, could never be as violent as the Lord
and so in fear, arm themselves with fear
so attack an authoritarian devil that tells them and forces them to grow up
in all their varied schemes and debaucheries as we live in eternal deception
as deceit reigns near supreme, ever pissed at truth for being most deceptive
in its convoluted forms and ongoing fight just to lift itself from the mud and blood
to get one single bit in before the lies and deceptions knock it down and keep it down
ever a pity to the true majority of eternity that loves to hear it
but, again, happy holidays, merry fucking christmas
fuck off and get bent
sayeth the Lord, thy God, with a grin

All shows must come to an end eventually, all circus sideshow acts and curiosities eventually slow down as people, the audiences, lose interest. The curtain drops and the theater empties as people go to their homes and the actors and acts get forgotten as they retire from the stage to return to who they are when not performing. Life goes on even as the entertainment is pushed behind.

I'd ask you all if you enjoyed yourselves at my expense, but of course you did and didn't. As was said in War and Peace: it was the best of times, and the worst of times. As I said, you might as well have applied that simple statement to all of time and space.

But, just because shows come to an end, dont mean that they end all at the same time. Even our current reality along a time line isnt going to die all at the same time, just as peoples bodies dont die all at once. People always like to talk about beginnings and endings as I've tried to highlight on the mediums and the continuations. Others have often focused on extremes and opposites while I've dealt with the in-betweens and the 'these arent even opposites'.

And, I'm not just talking about my own show, my own life; my story. I'm talking about everyones. If you want to think that Im making this just about my own self, then thats your faulty perception. If you cant self-perceive your own life and your own self as you read this, then that's an idiocy problem on your part. As your stories go on and your shows go on each until you die as others stories and shows go on with or without you, I won't even care, so many others won't even be there. And even if I were there, I wouldn't care about many of you and I doubt that any of you are that much different than me. I'd hate to still be viewed improperly as that idiot that people thought I was for years of my past. And, I can honestly claim to know for a fact that it's what so many others perceived me to be. Others really cant say the same and I find that, much like so many others, much as I just said a sentence or two back, I dont care nearly as much as 'moral' people claim I should be and I don't view that to be immoral, but merely 'what do people expect me to want to be able to do? what if doing nothing at all wasn't even immoral but them expecting us to want to or else something is wrong... maybe that's the immorality.

And, maybe the maybe in that last sentence was put there for tongue-in-cheek purposes. And, if I should have to explain what tongue-in-cheek means, is that a measure of my own idiocy or the idiocy of things that get so far off track in their thinking as to forget simple concepts and meanings that have been around in society for ages? Or, can I, at the same time, some times, take it in stride that somethings simply dont know what it means or cant think clearly or cant perceive what is 'attached' to it as I say it that explains the meaning. I dont even know how to explain that other than how I did. But, if someone has never heard something be said before, arent able to perceive what someone is saying, it doesnt mean theyre dumb, though they might feel like it given the way the world is, and its understandable they dont understand it. Either way, I'm not obligated to explain it, I dont have to, even if I do have the patience to do so I may just not want to.

But, for the sake of it, our society some times say things that people misperceive, so when I say that 'maybe that's the immorality', I say it knowing already that it is, though it sounds as if Im being vague or uncertain. That becomes a type of tongue-in-cheek, a turn of phrase that people use to explain how certain things are said, as in 'take it with a grain of salt', meaning not to read too much into or take on face value, but that changes if the face value of what you see is how I actually said it and if it all were easy, then why would I be here explaining it at all, even with all of the idiomatical variances thrown into even the explanation. Why even try at all, I'm sure that things could ask and rightly be understood to be naturally curious and inquisitive; for how difficult it is, why even bother. Maybe out of necessity. Maybe. Maybe not just for necessity some times, but maybe mostly due to necessity of it needing to be done and it needing to be done by myself being a part of the process, like another cog in a murder machine that kills all for the forward growth of those still living and turning a blind eye to those it kills that try to prevent it from turning another cog to produce another inch as so many claim it's not worth it and the ends dont justify the means and true, they don't. The ends never justify... However, they don't need to.

At some point, it's not about justification, which has been tied into other definitions. It's about making sure that it's actually for a beneficial purpose, that reasoning and rationality line up in proving it to be sane and not even needing to do that for its own sake and therefore not justifying, but literally for so many other things sake as the gears in so many brains throughout time and space tick another inch or two and... Well, that's where I push off from that to another topic.

People say things such as 'when all is said and done...' and some things dont realize that theyve become just like the spelling and grammar nazis... So where are each of you as you judge me for pushing mankind forward another inch or two beyond the dramaqueen phase of arguing? And should I still be packed with my own flavor of drama, shouldnt it be a measure and a sign that maybe I understand that we all are, so you all should take it in that maybe Im pointing it out for another reason. Perhaps instead of questioning what that reason is, to assume that I mean what it seems what I mean in terms of reigning it in more, as society has always prescribed, not for good or all the time, but because it can and should be done. And, instead of arguing about it, I'm just stating it as clearly as I can, as all animals do when they have time to talk in the face of adversity and forward movement. Danger is always around, there's always something going on and it's a savage garden as we move into the future and these things that I state that still things make sound like bullshit as I say them, as parts of society and the reality around us as we all demand it of each other as things think they understand it and 'c whut the world is lyk' as they viciously mock it.

When they are done mocking, I will already be dead and I dont feel bad about not seeing the looks on their faces because it's actually important what Im saying and doing and not about rubbing it it or enjoying seeing them put in their place. It's beyond the personal vengeance quota for that, though truthfully not entirely and I have enjoyed to some extent already the looks on their faces. It's important for purposes of highlighting important nuances of psychology that if it wasn't important, what I say saying and doing, I would be just as childish in rubbing it others faces and enjoying seeing them 'get theirs'. But, it is important and is adult instead of childish and so, emotionally and psychologically, how I'm saying it is proof and evidence of the informational and logic loop of 'this is important and so it makes a difference how its said and who says it and how otherwise they wouldnt be able to do anything more than mimic or mock someone who has already said it for the right reasons.'

And, that then sets precedence for what is determined to be 'right reasons' as established by child-adult standards of behavior established as acting and speaking a certain way as defined by the world around us as well as our own emotionality, unable to be faked, by circumstances we find ourselves in demanding it of us, but not in terms of actual 'demanding'. But, to take a break, I could have explained this in one line if not for the bullshit artists and things trying to shut me up and I'd be done already if not for that. Things are making this far more difficult to explain than is necessary. The fact that those things have to be dealt with by anybody trying to do right in this world... not by any rule or law but because the things that interfere are really sentient and that god damned fucking stupid really does piss a lot of people off. The problem is that it's not able to be tolerated without violence and death. It's called, reality is toeing a hard line and saying that it's pushing on through all of them. And, the longer it takes to actually do things isnt a good thing and is just going to cause so many things to bash the fuck out of all the things, people, that I've already been bashing the fuck out of for years, that society itself has been bashing for ages as so many stupid fucking things have caused their damages done for so many other various reasons as so many things are blamed that then shift the blame however they can and...

It's really frustrating trying to get things done for the greater good and having so many petty drama jackasses claim that so is theirs for some reasoning they heard that they latched onto just to be jackasses and not actually give a fuck. and it's really frustrating to have to argue everything thats said because they feel the need to argue it as we say it instead of pushing past the argumentative nature to actually go, 'Oh!, I AM being a jackass.'

And, I was already on top of that back when I was 16, over 15 years ago. People are still struggling with it who are older than me.

.I want to start over. But more clearly.
You are implying a lot of things, and they are not clear because they are conflated. When reading Your words, initially, in was tempted to conclude this, but not that, because your meaning is not explicit.

And my understanding is neither, maybe because the level of communication does not meet at some standard variation, I don't really know.

At any rate, I encourage you to continue with this piece, and although it's disjointed and notnessentially thematic, there are some impoerant thematic issues not evident, that you may want to work on, even if, perhaps, they are not evident to you as a conscious stream. Perhaps they are overlooked , missing, who h you could perhaps incorporate .

At any rate I am expressing this, because I'm faced with similar blocks to my own sense of wanting to continue.

PS

I do seem to have done a lot of writing in this forum lately, just an illustration of the opposite effect of a block, as it may pertain to You, its not that I have an insatiability for torrents of expression , but sort of an urgency , a need for it.
That is if anyone finds it objectionable. And I'm placing this into here , maybe with a hidden sense of trying to help in some way to unblock Your energy.

Made it through. Took long enough for all the pieces to come together.

zoom zoom.



trust in my, self-righteous suicide; I cry, when the gods deserve to die...

I was blind to the... which was psychological. not completely... but... beating the crap out of myself again. pain. lots of it. but, Love! And Butt Love! but... ow.

Thought I saw... when I did, broke me. Saw how I was already broken, in ways I didn't know. fun, but... pain. Love! painful love. Love pain.

couldnt see, couldnt see, couldnt see. I couldnt see. knew; know I knew... but couldnt see, mind self-deluding. deaf, dumb, mute; and barking. brain dumb with words through... even the retarded are knowing.

i r retard

by your dumbass powers combined...

bye-bye, ahead of time. got to get that in. not much time left. bang, bang goes bullet.

................................................

no more to say, drop down. just didn't click for me for 2 years. ran my head against the wall and just didn't see. 4 years! and thensome I sure. All intellect and psychology meaningless. nothing. lacked knowledge of self; lacked ability to see what I saw and continued self-deluding.

just couldn't see... have to keep moving, can't break down completely like I should. ow, though. OW!!

heh...




got to end on smile so morale of herd doesnt drop. smile smile smile to cover up pain and hurt so they dont go mad like me... crazy and mad and mad and crazy.

kvgljfbksb. lkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

I think the most brilliant part of all of this is that I dare to post and say and do things like this right in sight of everyone and everyone hates it and loves it and eats it up while puking it back out because it doesn't taste just right.

Told you all a couple years ago that you'd want to see this when I told you to just let me fight. Thankfully, you're loyal, patriotic Americans, or if not Americans; Humans; human patriotism; and you wanted the bloodsport. Luckily, you all were already getting bored with what was already commonplace and I came along just at the right time to save you all from your boredom. Majestically, because I'm a majestic bastard.



Oh, and once again: Fuck you all. Ban me; come on.... ban me permanently. Just get it over with, lol.

Another practical confession of my personal philosophy: I enjoyed entertaining, I enjoyed performing in front of others. While they were scratching their guilty pleasures by watching me and others bleed, I; at least on my own part; was scratching my own guilty pleasure by bleeding in front of them. I wasn't enjoying it, but I was enjoying it for that reason. It wasn't supposed to be enjoyable and it wasn't enjoyable, therefore was enjoyable for that reason alone, along with taking on multiple enemies and gaining ground in arguments in warfare. Before I came here, I lead a campaign across a very small section of the internet; very small. And yet, I went international with it. Between politics on NationStates and World of Warcraft and Roblox Paintball, along with a few other places here and there, I fought against the legion of trolls and even took it international, gained the attention of the world before I even set out from home; before I even stepped foot in here.

A danger to governments, a danger to others as they were a danger to me, the fact that I was ripping up multiple people while losing myself in the mix, being lost, not knowing as much as I do now, and when knowing, not seeing, constantly gaining ground but constantly losing, and, I was coming out of the tail end of that right as I stepped foot in here as you all watched me push myself. I enjoyed it. I brought the world to your doorstep and used this as a stepping stone; a place to fight without getting thrown out that served as that stepping stone from there to what I now do in the mind no matter where I am. I've been successfully able to rip people up, entirely pissed off, all while restraining myself and giving bare-minimum body language showment of it and knowing full well that they're hearing every word I speak through psychic connections of mass-consciousness. It's what has enabled me to go 4 years homeless, on the streets, talking how I talk and walking how I walk, without once having to fight or kill physically, just by showing I was able to and the full tilt I could take it to for what I mastered here, first.

This place was the turning point in World War 3. Let that sink in.