The Philosophers (Screenplay)

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The Philosophers (Screenplay)

Postby Fixed Cross » Fri Sep 03, 2021 7:57 pm

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INT. PHILOSOPHERS DEN

THE PHILOSOPHERS, roundabouts 27 of them, are going at it. Stabbing each other shedding blood, screaming and kicking, strangling, wrestling in pools of blood. At one point

CLEMENTINE enters. Holds her hands to her cheeks like The Scream, and in bizarre slow motion the words comer out;

         CLEMENTINE
      This isn’t any fun!

The wrestling stops. The stabbing stops, the strangling stops. The philosophers, panting, come to a rest, their wounds heal. The ones that lay for dead get up, as from a deep dream filled sleep.

All look at the blood on the floor. BARTHOLOMEW, a fat man with a Sumo attire, scrubs himself with a towel and reaches for a bathrobe, calls out

         BARTHOLOMEW
      I was on call last time.

Two young guys, FEISL and CURTLY, who have made it particularly gnarly are looked at.

Another dude, PERPLEXUM aka PERP who is scabbarding a sword, calls out to Feisl.

         PERPLEXUM
      You Feisl. Step up.

The guys shrug, fair is fair is their attitude, they grab the mops.

A lanky older dude with stylishly combed grey hair and a do-it-yourself attitude and attire, CANNONBALL, looks around the remains of the spectacle.

         CANONBALL
      Geez.

His bud, BRISBANE CHARLIE, nods appreciatively.

         BRISBANE CHARLIE
      Good one huh?

Clementine in her black heels makes a tippy toe path over the part of the floor that FESL has been mopping.

CLOSE UP CLEMENTINES FEET
Beautiful toes with nicely polished nails get tiny drips of blood on them.

Cut back to medium footage

Clementine hovers among two middle aged dudes, THORAX and SALAZAR

She prods Salazar, he turns, as does Thorax.

         CLEMENTINE
      Please, why does it always have to
      be like this?

A third guy, RHINOCEROS BEZOS, sharply yells out

         RB
      It’s PLATE’s fault.

Clementine turns to him, startled.    

         CLEM
         (softly)
      Plate’s fault?

         RB   
      Uhh-yupp!

She looks at Salazar who is shaking his head in a contemptuous grin, and at Thorax, who is smiling in affirmation.

         CLEM
      God dammit, cant you two
      ever agree?

         THORAX   
      When it comes to Plato? No.

         SALAZAR
      Nehp.

Clem throws out her hands.

         CLEM
      Okay two says it’s Plate’s fault.
      Versus one who doesnt
      so, democracy is Greek right?

         BB   
      That’s fucking true!

All three philosophers nod and mumble

         3 PHILOSOPHERS
      True, true, a fact and a truth
      hmm hmm, let’s smoke a cigar.


EXT. PHILOSOPHERS DEN

Nightfall, easy chairs around a hearth in the shape of a Lion and a monkey holding a globe wrapped in snakes, the men sit down and light cigars. BLONDIE,  a pretty blonde, goes around with some bottles and pours the men what they like in their respective glasses, chalices, horns and paper cups.

A HERD OF BUFFALO passes along. The MOON rises. Night comes deeper. Stars are visible and revolve.

Some philosophers have nodded off, some lay in the grass on their backs, others sit to the fire, talking, THORAX and DREW, a young sporty energetic type, are feeding the fire with fresh logs.

         THORAX
      Say Drew where do you stand on
      this?

         DREW
      Plate?

Thorax nods solemnly and stands up, puffs the cigar, looks at the horizon, speaks

         THORAX
      Plate.

         DREW
      I dont know, Young dumb and
      famous?

Thorax spits out his smoke, coughs violently in an attempt to let his laugh run. It doesnt work. He swallows his cough and hohums and hunkers back down.

Nods.

         THORAX
      Good point. Good point.

He sniffs. Both men go at prodding the fire and judging it.

         THORAX
      Shit.

         DREW
      That’s not a solution though I
      know.

         THORAX
      Yeah.

         DREW
      You know my uncle has a time    
      machine.

Looks at Thorax. Thorax looks back. Slowly brings his cigar to his mouth

         THORAX
      You don’t say

Smokes. Looks at moon.



EXT. MOON - DARKNESS

Two snow-white wolves prowl the dark side of the moon, lit by a microscopic alien battleship.



EXT. PLATO’s CAVE

A cave entrance with some rackety carpenter barricades in front of it. A small sighn (in Greek, obviously) reads

STAY OUT OR GET IN

INT. PLATO’s CAVE

PLATO is dancing and prancing around in a short garment, turning on his toes and woo-hooing. While dancing and prancing he makes coal markings on the wall of the cave. He sings

         PLATO
      Why-so-se-erious?

THUNDER rolls in the distance. Plato goes out and looks, feels for rain on his palm, sniffles puts on sandals and a toga and hurries to his domicile. Above the door is chiseled (in Greek, obviously)

HE WHO DOESNT UNDERSTAND MATHEMATICS, STAY OUT

He enters and closes the door. As he does, the rumbling sound again but closer, and it sodesnt really sound like thunder. More metallic.



TO BE CONTINUED
The strong do what they can, the weak accept what they must.
- Thucydides
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Re: The Philosophers (Screenplay)

Postby Fixed Cross » Sat Sep 04, 2021 9:34 pm

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INT. TIME MACHINE - EQUILIBRIUM

Six Philosophers in the machine, Millennium Falcon style messy with piping and wiring, behind the controls a white haired man, UNCLE ELEZERBEBET BEN BERESH, in the seat next to him, Drew, looking on anxiously as his uncle roughly handles two sticks.

Suddenly the machine begins to violently shake, throwing the philosophers in the back around a good bit.

         BARTHOLOMEW
      Fuck, hold it steady old man

         BRISBANE CHARLIE
      Are you sure you know how to
      do this?

         UNCLE BEN
      Do this? Do this? Do you think
      it is this simple? Just do?

         BRISBANE CHARLIE
      Well…

All are silent.

         DREW
      Uncle Ben, uhm, like,

Uncle Ben moves the sticks again, his right hand turning a knob in circles, his left hand pumping a lever.

         DREW
      Uncle Ben, wait…

MASSIVE TURBULENCE hits the cabin again.

As it subsidies the philosophers in the back are bruised.

         CANNONBALL
      Jeeze.

Brisbane Charlie laughs.

         CANNONBALL
      I mean this thing definitely has
      some power.

Uncle Ben looks back at him and smiles.

         UNCLE BEN
      You understand.

The philosophers throw their hands out.

HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER, dressed in creme white suit and a green beret leans forward.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Sir Elezerbebent, please.

         UNCLE BEN
      Yes?

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      I think…. No I am in fact positive
      that all of us in here understand the    
      phenomenal power you have at your
      command here sir.

Uncle Ben raises his eyebrows.

         UNCLE BEN
      Yes?

All the philosophers nod intensely.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      I wonder if… if perhaps…
      
Looks at Drew, winks

Drew smirks and looks at his uncle.

         DREW
      Uncle this man was a pilot in    
      a….

Looks at Thorax, who gives a ‘go for it but be careful’ look

         DREW
      This, ah, in a test program….

         UNCLE BEN
      Fine fine, you want to drive the machine?
      Fine.

He unstraps and angrily gets out of his seat. Thorax gets in it and straps himself in.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Okey. What do I do.
      
         DREW
      You wanna wiggle the left knob in circles
      slowly and increasingly fast until you feel
      like you’re in a sort of field.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      I know the principle.

         DREW    
      Okay so once youve got that going
      you wanna heave the lever on your right
      gradually until you feel a kind of …
      like resistance, like a slow turbulence.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Hmm-hm.

         DREW
      Then once you’re there, you just…
      
         UNCLE BEN
      Push!

Drew sighs. Charlie laughs.

         DREW    
      Yeah you wanna push through it, much
      like, you’re clearing snow but it’s delicate
      snow, you dont want to break it.

Masloff smirks.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Okay…

         DREW
      So then, you get to the other side of it
      and then you’re smooth, feel it out for
      a few seconds, sometimes the turbulence
      returns
   
         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      The snow.

Drew nods.

         DREW
      When it doesnt, you feel la bit of pressure
      increasing, all the while you’ll still be
      turning the know by the way.

Masloff carefully touches the knob

Masloff squints, raises his eyebrows, then focuses.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Hmm-hm.

         UNCLE BEN
      Does your experiment cover this?
      Yes?

Charlie lets out a bellowing laughter. The old man joins him.
         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Sir, Im not worried.

         UNCLE BEN
         (observingly)
      You are cocky.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Yes sir.

Drew smiles.

         DREW
      Alrighty, so once you’re in that
      pressure, you push into it very
      gently, and the pressure will
      increase very fast, and when it
      gets so strong that you, that
      like, it’s impossible to go much
      deeper, I guess you press the
      pedal.

Looks back at his uncle, who nods in seemingly infinite boredom

         DREW
      The one on your right,

HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER feels the pedal.

         THORAX
      Got it…

         DREW
      At that point, just say “go”
      and I’ll hook in the decoder.

He pulls a console towards him, a keypad with a dark green screen with light green text, types in some commands that make some lights blink around the cabin.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Then what do I do, keep wiggling?

         DREW
      No once you press the pedal,
      you can stop everything else.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Piece of cake.

Uncle Ben snorts.

         DREW
      He’s joking Uncle Ben.

         UNCLE BEN
      I know what a joke is.

Charlie snickers.

         CHARLIE
      All right let’s do this!

All take a deep breath. Humberto puts his hand on the knob and raises his eyebrows at Drew.

Drew types in some more commands and nods.

         DREW
      She’s all yours.

Humberto begins to slowly wiggle the knob, all look on intensely, except Uncle Ben who takes out a sandwich wrapped in greasy paper

         UNCLE BEN
      Im not worried.


EXT. A GREEK MEADOW- NIGHT

A third thundering smack is heard, then a cylindrical vessel appears from a morphing flash of light, hovering very slowly.

It begins to gently descend and touches ground of a grassy meadow. Some icy steam emits from it and a door opens upwards. The philosophers and Uncle Ben get out, quite elated.

They walk a bit and come closer to the camera. Charlie looks back at the machine.

         CHARLIE
      Do we just leave it there
      unguarded?

         CANNONBALL
      You forget it’s not realty here

Charlie frowns

         CANNONBALL
      It’s a one way deal. The Greeks
      cant see it.

         BARTHOLOMEW
      What about Plate?

         CANNONBALL
      He’ll see it once he’s inside.


They creep up on Plate’s house, look at the inscription.

         DREW
      What does that say?

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Dont enter if you’re not a mathematician.
      Shit.

They all look at each other, then at Drew.

Drew nods at BARTHOLOMEW.

         DREW
      I figure you’re okay.

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      Go get him.
      But be gentle.

         BARTHOLOMEW      
      Gentle is my middle name.

He pounds on the door.

         BARTHOLOMEW
      Yo Plato! We’re coming in!


INT. PLATO’s DOMICILE - NIGHT

Plato is arranging some scrolls and pieces of papyrus, wetting his finger and turning fragments over, studying them.

Suddenly there is a loud thunderclap.

         PLATO   
         (to himself)
      Strange weather.

He looks at some more text, walks to a kettle on a chain above a smoldering heap of coals in a hearth. He spoons some powder in a chalice, grabs a cloth and, using it to shield his hand from the heat, tilts the kettle to pour some hot water on the powder. Holds the mixture in front of him, sniffs it, almost takes a sip but decides against it, walks with it back to his scrolls, and leans elegantly against a wooden chest. He hums some words in a very ancient dialect.

He finally takes a sip and delights in it immensely.

         PLATO
      Ahh!

Then a hard knock on the door, and someone yelling in a barbaric language.

He gently looks up from his cup, sets it down, clears his throat.

         PLATO
      Who is it?

Two men in bizarre clothing come walking into the room. Plato is frightened, then recovers. He reaches back for his cup, and as the men approach, he throws the content into the face of the biggest one. He quickly gets out a big club and batters the legs of the other. Then he kicks the first one in the groin and smashes the cup on the head of the second.

         PLATO
      Out, out! Begone, savages!
   
Drew and Bartholomew make their way out of the room as fast as they can. Plato goes on humming and walks to his scrolls.

He teeters and smiles.

         PLATO   
      Always these savages. They come
      from everywhere these days.


EXT. PLATOS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Drew and Bartholomew come limping out.
         DREW
      Yo, I mean, he’s definitely the
      problem.

         BARTHOLOMEW
      I probably concur. We’re gonna
      need some better mathematics.

They all silently retreat.

WIDE SHOT of a moonlit meadow.

Crickets are heard

As our heroes pass through the frame in silhouette, like an Asterix comic with two of them limping behind.

We hear them talking faintly in the distance, pick up;

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      This is pretty cool actually.
      …
      Any of you been to Greece before?

A wolf howls in the distance.


The Philosophers and Uncle Ben get back to the time machine and stand around, not knowing what to do. Cannonball sits down in the grass.

Thorax sits down next to him,

         HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
      How do we do this?

Cannonball plucks a blade of grass and sticks it in his mouth, lies down with his hands folded under his head.

Thorax lies down as well and closes his eyes as also the others are making themselves comfortable.

         CANNONBALL
      I was here a long time ago, way back, in
      the future, when I was still a child
      my dad took me to the back of the       
      Acropolis and showed me the theatre
      of Dionysos.

Silence, crickets.

         UNCLE BEN
      How is that going to help us?

         CANNONBALL
      I remember, my father said something then   
      He said Plato didn’t understand Dionysos.

Thorax opens his eyes.

         


INT. PLATOS HOUSE - NIGHT

Plato is somewhere out of frame making odd noises.

A COO-COOING is heard. We cut to Plato, who looks up with interest.

He walks to a window and then sees a horned silhouette gliding past it. He looks on, wide-eyed.

         PLATO
      Socrates?
The strong do what they can, the weak accept what they must.
- Thucydides
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